


Leader Of The Broken Hearts

by rennerfan_1



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Gen, What happened after Mockingjay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-04
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-01-18 05:04:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1416118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rennerfan_1/pseuds/rennerfan_1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a multi chapter fiction of what took place after the Hunger Games and how everyone is living since.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

In the years that followed the fall of President Snow and his regime, the districts were reunited under one banner and once again civilisation started to prosper in the districts. The wire fences around each district were pulled down and roads were built to provide thoroughfare from one to the other and slowly after the devastations of the rebellion, people started to return to the abandoned homes and cities they had been forced to leave. People from different districts even moved into their neighbouring districts, being able to move freely without orders or being given commands and this created new life in every city with new trades to be learned and shared, new opportunity for those who had been denied choices for so long were finally free to do as they pleased. 

However, each district had a group of police who enforced local laws and maintained the safety of it's residents and that suited everyone, even those who had suffered at the hands of the peacekeepers before and during the war. These people who were given the duty of protecting it's citizens were local to their districts, trained and deployed by the Capitol who wanted everyone to live a free and happy life and everyone was living the life they should always have had. 

***

Katniss pulls back the curtain and looks out at the melting snow, smiling to herself because it is an ideal day for hunting in the woods. She turns around to see her children sitting at the kitchen table with Peeta, enjoying a breakfast of freshly baked bread and jam from wild berries. She never thought she had it in her to be a mother, but her fears of sending her own children to the Hunger Games had clouded her judgement. 

The Games were abolished and everyone in every district, except those in certain social circles in the Capitol had rejoiced that their children would no longer needlessly have to die in the name of entertainment. No longer did the people fear like they had done since the Dark Days.

Katniss watches in silence from the window as workers heading to the reopened coal mine trudge along the street, looking tired and slow from the strenuous labour and even still memories of her father explode in her brain. Peeta senses something is wrong and gets up from the table, placing his hand on her shoulder as their children finish up their breakfast.

"Are you going into the bakery today?" She asks him, avoiding her own thoughts and feelings like she had been doing mostly since the fall of the Capitol.

"I don't have to, but I wanted to try out a new bread." 

"I'll take Penny to school and then go to the market with Ramsey." She answers as she hears the explosion from the mines and the sirens that wailed that day at school.

Peeta knows she is remembering and neither of them will ever stop remembering as he squeezes her shoulder, the joyous giggles from their children pulling them back into the present. They both turn to see Penny and Ramsey with sticky faces and hands, Penny the eldest at six and Ramsey the youngest at three. It had taken Peeta and Katniss five years to get married and decide they wanted children, falling in love for real this time had it's ups and downs considering everything they had been through.

The nightmares still happen and they still held onto each other those nights they were too scared to go to sleep, their dreams corrupted by their imaginations and the memories of what had taken place and yet every morning they realised that they weren't stuck in that time anymore, free to live as best as they could.  
Penny and Ramsey wave to their father as he leaves and heads to the bakery that had been rebuilt and Katniss gets her children ready. With a tiny hand in each of hers, she walks them down the rebuilt streets of district twelve and she sadly remembers how everything used to look before the bombings. 

A market in the centre of the district replaced the illegal black market in the hob that she used to trade her game for and only two or three of the original vendors had survived the bombings and the years that followed. It hadn't been the first time that Katniss has tried to go down a street that was no longer there and cursed herself for being so stupid, for allowing herself to be so wrapped up in the past, but she couldn't help it.   
Most of the houses looked better than they did before with solid walls and more than enough space for families, but there were those who returned who preferred their shabby huts that leaked in the rain and trapped the heat in the summer. 

No one went hungry anymore and everyone could afford medical treatment, thanks to the Capitol who located two doctors to each district and a pharmacy where people could purchase remedies for minimal cost, but there were people who still relied on Katniss to look through the book her father had written for a remdies. 

All in all everyone seemed to be doing a lot better than they had before and there were no gaunt faces and lifeless bodies peering at her with starvation, no more begging and savaging to survive. Katniss holds Ramsey's hand tightly as they walk into the market and buy what they need for the next few days and as always, the toddler wants sweets and Katniss takes him into the small grocery store that had once been Peeta's family's bakery before it had been bombed. The whole building is new and a flush of panic grabs her by the throat viciously as she tries to force out of her imagination what it would have been like to perish under stone and fire.

While Mrs Brun, the owner gives Ramsey some free sweets, Katniss feels her heart hammering in her chest as she looks out the glass door to see a familiar face and all the guilt floods in like a river.


	2. Mrs Hawthorne

Hazelle Hawthorne walks into the grocery store, rubbing her aching and almost disfigured hands as she smiles brightly at Katniss who looks like she has seen a ghost. Hazelle had always had problems with her hands from years of scrubbing clothes and manual labour and even though she hadn't had to scrub clothes in abundance for a long time, her hands still looked as raw as they did once upon a time ago. Katniss attempts to mirror the older woman's smile and fails miserably and she knows it. 

"Katniss!" The older woman beams, smiling brightly as ever.

Katniss forces a smile in return and wishes that the ground would swallow her up because anything is better than meeting Hazelle like this after so long.

"You look well." Katniss manages to say as her mind whirs to create some excuse to leave.

"That's all thanks to spending a lot of time in district four. I couldn't stay in thirteen any longer and twelve will always be my home and I don't know why I stayed away for so long."

"Safety. Thirteen was safer than coming back here."

Hazelle nods painfully as if some hurtful memory has sneaked up on her out of the blue and she rubs her hands together, feeling a warmth and stickiness.

"Your hands are bleeding." The younger woman points out and looks around for something to use.

"They're always like this, bleeding because they're dry, bleeding because it's too warm or too cold. Old age doesn't come without sacrifices." 

"Have you seen a doctor?" Katniss asks.

"Many. But they give me different creams and sprays, but nothing works like your mother's salve. How is she?"

The question catches Katniss off guard and she can't tell Hazelle that she hasn't heard from her mother in many months, perhaps even years. Losing Prim had brought out a side to her mother that Katniss didn't like, a self-centered side where she could be nasty and vicious at the drop of a hat and the next minute she would be completely different the next, almost catatonic.

"She's doing well, moved to district eight." Katniss answers sadly."Why don't I try and make you the salve?"

"I couldn't ask you to go to all the trouble."

"It''s realy no trouble." She argues gently. "Your hands look sore and at least the salve works."

"Thank you, Katniss. You know, I was just thinking the other day about those days when you and Gale would hunt in the woods and you always made sure we were alright, even after.....the games."

The mention of Gale and the Hunger Games turns her cold inside, like her blood has turned to ice and she equally doesn't want to remember either and yet she can't bring herself to say it or admit it. She remembers those days and misses them even though she still hunts, but it isn't the same.

"That's what family does."

"Such a sweet girl." Hazelle gently caresses Katniss's cheek and notices the time. "I have to get going, but you should come in and have some tea."

"That would be nice, thank you. Goodbye."

It takes everything for Katniss not to run out of the store with Ramsey in her arms, heading to anywhere that provide some sort of emotional safety and she knows that one day she was bound to meet Hazelle like that. What's rattled her is the fact that at the mere mention of Gale's name has sent her spiralling out of control and it scares her because she has a family depends on her, a family who won't take kindly to the what if's. But the mention of her mother has also upset her and she decides to at least try and call her later when she has a minute to herself. However, she is still surprised that Hazelle had returned to district twelve where she would be surrounded with so much heartache, and she wonders if that is why she herself returned, to be reminded of sorrow and loss. Yet she respects the older woman for returning and she seemed so much happier since her arrival six months ago after spending so long in thirteen. Many from twelve were terrified to return and either stayed in thirteen or moved out to other districts, but over the years more and more of the survivors had returned to a better life in twelve.

 

Cooking smells drift through the house, stew and potatoes simmering away as Katniss sips a mug of tea while she studies the old remedy book that she had grown up with. She writes down a list of ingredients forpp the salve and tries to plan a time for when she could collect them. While she had been preparing dinner, Penny played with Ramsey in the sitting room and the sound of her children laughing makes her smile, pulling her out of the darkness she had started to fall into. It's almost five and at any minute Peeta would be coming through the door with either a smile or success or a frown of ldisappointment at his latest creation and would either celebrate or sulk for the rest of the night.

As if on queue, the front door opens and she can hear the dull thump of her husband's feet on the floor.

"Hey." He greets his wife, looking tired and drained."Something smells good."

"I made stew. How did it go with this new recipe?"

"It's not perfect yet, but it will be and they'll sell it all over Panem." He answers confidently. 

"Sounds like a bread revolution."

"It will be." He smiles as he takes off his coat."Everyone will want the recipe and I'm the only one who knows it. Katniss, are you okay? You look a little pale."

Katniss turns and busies herself, flustered by the question and she can't possibly tell him what took place at the grocery store. It would only make him doubt their entire relationship and it would cause even more problems.

"Katniss?"

"I talked to Hazelle today at the store." She says calmly and checks the stew, satisfied at how tender it is.

"How is she? I haven't seen her since she came back."

"Her hands are painful, so I suggested that I would make some of the salve my mother did." She explains."I haven't opened the book since....well, since...."

"You can say her name, Katniss."

"Prim. I haven't looked in that book since... since.....Prim." Her voice shakes a little at the mention of her little sister who had perished in the rebellion against the Capitol. "Dinner is nearly ready."

Peeta blocks her as she tries to squeeze by him and grasps her upper arms, forcing her to stay. She shakes her head as emotion swells inside of her and she tries to tell him that she doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't want to talk about Prim especially.

"It's okay to talk about her, you know." He says softly and keeps talking when she doesn't answer him. "She wouldn't want you to be afraid to say her name. It's hard, I know it is. Katniss, talk to me."

She shakes her head as she breaks free from his hands and grabs the coat from the back of a kitchen chair, quickly pulling it on.

"I need to collect herbs for the salve." She says, ignoring him.

"We need to talk about this."

"I don't have time." She argues, briskly walking down the hallway with the book tucked under her arm. "The children need to be bathed."

And with that, Katniss is gone and Peeta is left standing in the doorway of their home perplexed at the change in her. He goes back inside and tends to their children who are hungry and as they sit down to eat, an irrational fear grips him and shadows his mind, casting doubt on everything he knows.

***

The surface of the lake ripples as she wiggles her toes in the water, her feet submerged in the cold refreshing water and she watches as dragonflies come to life as the sun starts to go down. The lake holds many memories of childhood for Katniss and she remembers those days with her father fondly, feeling guilty for abandoning the simple pleasure of peace and solitude she always found here. Like the water's surface, her mind is rippling with questions and doubts that she has no control over. She cups some water in her hand and splashes her face, drinking in the clean nectar that is so perfect in a world of chaos. She remembers her father teaching her to swim and how she often came to the lake when she needed to be by herself and as she remembers her father, she remembers Prim.

As a distraction, she opens the book and studies the recipe for the salve and scans the greenery around her. When she hunted in the woods her mother would always ask her to collect various herbs and plants, ever the healer and never the mother. Katniss closes the book hard in distaste and sighs, angry at herself for thinking so coldly about her mother after everything she had been through, but Katniss reasons that she and Prim also went through it and she became the protector to her younger sister. She literally became the mother in the house as opposed to a daughter.

"I should have protected you, Prim." She says out loud into the air. "You were supposed to be somewhere safe!"

Anger and frustration at herself comes quickly as tears she had refused to let go trickle down her cheeks and quickly she wipes them away, only to find that more have fallen.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this." She says quietly as her whole body convulses with painful sobs, her cries echoing off the water and trees around her. "It wasn't supposed to be like this."

 

With the children in bed and the dishes all done, Peeta sits back in the armchair next to the fireplace and listens to the ticking of the clock on the mantlepiece. He knows perhaps better than anyone how it feels to lose someone you care about, after all his entire family had died in the bombing in the days of the revolution. He had grieved as anyone grieves and he had never felt ashamed to talk about his family, to tell his children stories of big cakes they had made for weddings or birthdays and of course there was a little imagination thrown in there too.   
Peeta looks up to the doorway when he feels a presence standing there and he is surprised to see his wife with a bag of plants and herbs.

"I'm going to bed." She says stiffly and walks into the kitchen and Peeta follows her.

"Katniss, wait."

"What?" She asks, snapping a little.

"You don't have to pretend anything with me. I know you feel guilty about Prim and seeing Hazelle couldn't have been easy."

Silently she nods and feels herself collapsing into his arms, sobbing into his chest as her hands grab at any material she can find. She wants to feel safe and secure and Peeta has always done that, be there when she's needed him and more and she feels so guilty for pushing him away.

"It's alright." He murmurs into her hair. "It gets easier."  
"How?" 

"Time." He answers. "It just takes time. Whatever happened, you have to know it wasn't your fault. I want to hear you say it, Katniss."

"My own mother blames..me. She said it was my fault that Prim died and she said....she said I should have just....let then kill me in the arena."

"Hey, you know she never meant any of that." He adds in reassurance. "She was hurt and confused and anger with what happened. I know that you would never ever let anything have happened to Prim if you could help it. You even volunteered for the games. That doesn't sound like you didn't care."

Katniss starts to see sense as she listens to his reassuring and calming words. Deep down she knows he is right, but she can still hear her mother's hysterical wailing weeks after she was told that her youngest daughter had died.

"I'm sorry." She says weakly, sniffing."I went to the lake and did some thinking."

"What did you think about?"

"When I was a little girl my father taught me how to swim." She smiles a little at the memory. "I have never felt so....free. Then he died....and things got worse. We weren't the only family starving. I just wonder what would have happened if the explosion didn't happen."

"There's no real way of knowing, but I do know that he would be proud of you."

"I've done nothing to be proud of!" Katniss protests.

"Yes, you do. You kept your family alive and The Hawthorne's alive, you took Priam's place in the games and you saved me all the time. If it wasn't for you I would have been a goner. Look at all the good things you did, in the arena both times and even after it, how you freed everyone."

"I didn't free them." She says quietly.

"But you gave people hope to fight back."

Reluctantly, she starts to agree with him when the logical and rational side of her brain starts to work again. She realises that she has done some good and amazing things, always doing what was right and not necessarily easy, but she did it anyway regardless of the personal consequences. As she starts to drift off to sleep, she knows what she has to do.

**

The air is chilly and a fog skims above the streets, making everyone miserable. Katniss's hands shake as she stirs the concoction of herbs and plants on the stove and she turns to see Penny watching her.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm making some very special salve for a friend." She answers gently. "She has very sore hands."

"Can I help?"

"That's a good idea." She smiles. "You can unscrew the lids off the bottles and I'll pour it in once it's ready."

Penny does as she is told and beams with pride at her task being completed and she continues to ask her mother a series of questions, asking how coal is dug up and why some of the other districts have different things. Katniss tells her daughter that one day she will show her the other districts, even take her to the Capitol that she hasn't been in since Snow's assassination. She refuses point blank and no wonder, but it is also because she doesn't want to see her mother.


	3. More Than One Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback would be awesome!!!

Katniss sees herself surrounded by the other tributes and searches frantically for a way out as they draw closer, snarling like wild beasts and their weapons drawn. Her fingers clutch at her quiver and she curses under her breath when she finds it empty, panic setting in as the other tributes hurl abuse at her and tell her how she is going to die. They are all there, all twenty-six of them looking eager to spill her blood and her throat closes up as she looks behind them and hurt swells in her chest. Gale is there behind them. She breathes a small sigh of relief and looks at him questioningly as he doesn't move from his spot, just watching her and the group surrounding her.

"Gale!" She yells at him and he doesn't answer. "Gale!"

The sound of snarling and hateful words move closer and the sun glints off the various weapons, a knife soars by her and a malicious giggle from Glimmer brings her back to reality. Katniss realises that she is going to die. She looks at Gale again for help and he is turning his back to her, rejecting her and refusing to help and the hurt she feels is much stronger than the fear in her belly. She doesn't understand why he isn't helping her, why he isn't trying to save her.

Something heavy and solid smashes into her stomach and she clutches the feeling with her hand, the blow knocking all the air out of her lungs and she feels a sticky warmth spread out against her skin. Blood saturates her suit and she stifles a small cry as she looks up to Gale, the group of her enemies and killers within reaching distance and as their weapons slice into her body and she falls to the ground, she looks up to see Gale smiling.

 

Katniss feels herself being violently shook as her whole body shakes with fear, a scream breaking the silence as she trashes around against the strong hands on her upper arms.

"Katniss! It's okay, you're okay!" Peeta yells clearly, trying to break her out of her nightmare. "It was a dream. You were dreaming. It was just a dream! You're safe!"

Her eyes desperately search his for the truth and a sob passes her lips as she clutches at him, sobbing wildly into his nightshirt as his arms protect her from the evil that has clouded her mind and penetrated her dreams. 

"Shhh." He coos soothingly. "You're safe, Katniss. It was just a nightmare."

"It was so real. It was so real!"

"I know." He says in sympathy."I know, but I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

"Do you promise?"

"I promise." He agrees whole heatedly."I promise."

 

***

An emptiness fills her as the black cloud above her head grows darker and not even the sound of her children laughing can rouse her from the mist that has dulled her senses. Peeta had gotten up before her and started baking bread and rolls while she lay staring at the ceiling and when she eventually joined him, he asked her about her nightmare and she told him everything that had happened, except Gale smiling at her as she was murdered. It was bad enough it kept playing like a movie reel inside her head and to say it out loud, especially to Peeta would just make her feel worse about the whole thing.

Katniss wants her mind to stop thinking about the dream and it isn't until Penny is standing next to her, her arms open and she pulls her daughter up onto her lap with a smile.

"I dreamed of fairies that turned everything into chocolate." The child says excitedly, smiling.

"Wow, that does sound like a good dream." Katniss coos, kissing her daughter's head. "You better eat your breakfast or you will be late for school."

Penny jumps off her mother's knee and into one of the other chairs to have her breakfast, chatting away happily about the upcoming day of school where they are going to start a new project on animals and their habitats. Katniss can't help but smile at her daughter's enthusiastic, excited nature and instantly she feels better and pushes the nightmare to very back of her mind. It was just a dream, that's all it was and she wouldn't allow it to interfere in her children's lives.

 

She turns to the east, shielding her eyes from the setting sun. She can hear the rustle of the leaves in the wind and her feet move effortlessly over the cushioned forest floor, each step creating a new smell of the forestry she loved so much. Stopping at a fallen tree, Katniss sits down and wraps her arms around her body as she tries to collect her thoughts. She is angry at herself for allowing the nightmare to get to her when she had already had so many in the past, all varying in brutality and dimensions. Once she dreamt that Prim was the one she had to kill in the arena, having to murder her own sister in an act of survival disgusted her and in many of her dreams her life had been taken or she had taken lives, but this one had deeply unsettled her and she couldn't figure out why. She reasons that it is guilt that making her have these graphic, traumatic dreams. She feels guilty because she had hurt Gale by choosing Peeta, but she couldn't abandon her husband to be, she just couldn't. The feelings she felt for Peeta were real, but it conflicts with how she felt for Gale. Angry at her line of thinking, Katniss makes the decision to turn back before it gets any darker and yet she can't muster the energy to move, to take another step in the direction of home.

***

The glow from the smouldering fire casts light and darkness against his face as he stares at the crackling embers, lost in thought as he basks in the warmth. An uncomfortable chill had seeped into his bones, making him feel older and restless as he fought to make sense of Katniss's sudden disappearing act. Peeta had taken Penny to school and returned with Ramsey to an empty house, the toddler eagerly looking for his mother and it was up to Peeta to soothe the upset child. He had bathed them, made supper and helped Penny with her homework before tucking them into bed and still there was no sign of his wife. He is worried, especially after that nightmare that has spooked her so much and he is tempted to go out looking for her and he knows it's a bad idea because he doesn't even know where to start.

 

The soft click of the front door being shut rouses Peeta from his thoughts and he looks up to see Katniss quietly walking by the open doorway and into the kitchen, and he follows her. He is going to ask her what is going on and he knows she will clam up and avoid the issue, but they need to talk. Katniss holds the metal kettle under the tap and turns to put it on the stove, physically jumping at the sight of her husband standing in the darkened doorway.

"You scared me." She says and grabs a cup from the draining board, adding some coffee.

"If you drink that you aren't going to get any sleep."

"I'll be fine." She answers and that's exactly her plan, to not sleep.

"You've been gone a while."

She tries to busy her hands with small menial actions as the water for coffee starts to simmer. He can tell that he isn't going to get through to her, so he tries a different approach and feels bad for doing so.

"Penny and Ramsey missed you." He says softly and frowns when he sees that she doesn't react. "So where did you go?"

"I took a walk."

"To where?" He asks curiously.

"I don't need to tell you my every movement, Peeta. I'm not a child."

"But you are acting like one." He replies with a snap. "The children missed you and Penny was upset because you weren't there to kiss her goodnight."

"I lost track of time."

He looks at her, watching her as she starts making coffee and he doesn't want to say what is on his mind or else it will create even more problems between them.

"Is there someone else?"

"What?" Katniss turns to look at him, shocked by what he just blurted out."What did you say?"

"I asked if there is someone else."

"Peeta, there's no one." She answers firmly. "Why would you think there was?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

"Yes, I do." She answers and at the same time she isn't entirely sure if she does want to hear it.

"You're spending more and more time away from home. You're always so distracted and being distant. At first I thought it was just me being paranoid, but then I realised that something is going on with you and you won't tell me."

"I don't get why you think that." She counters.

"You don't? Well, it's what I think. You're here in body, but that's it. Are you that unhappy?"

"Don't blow this out of proportion, Peeta." Katniss snaps, her mind spiralling out of control. "I don't know what you want from me or what you expect."

"What I want is for you to be honest with me and tell me what's going on."

"Nothing is going on." She lies and they both know it. "If something was going on I would tell you."

"Would you?"

Scepticism lights up his eyes as his eyebrows quirk upwards in disbelief. He should be able to trust what she says, but for some reason he can't. He can't get her to open up about whatever is going on and he feels so damn useless, especially after everything they had been through since they were first thrown together.

"Yes, I would."

"I don't know if I can believe that, Katniss." He says quietly, openly hurt."Right now I don't know what to believe anymore."

"Believe what you want. I don't care anymore."

He watches her leave again and he settles down in front of the dying fire, a chill growing in the air and burning his skin as he tries to think of what he can do to get the old Katniss back.


	4. Change of Ideas

Haymitch Abernathy pulls open the heavy front door and sighs when he sees his visitor, turning around and limping back into the sitting room with the aid of his walking stick, unsteady on his feet as he sinks into the faded red armchair that is stained and dusty. A grimace spreads across his face as he lifts his leg and rests it on the footstool, his hand finding the glass on the little table next to him. Haymitch swirls the amber liquid and surveys his guest with curiosity.

"Another tiff?" 

"Something like that." Katniss answers quietly, distantly as she stands in front of the crackling fire, her nose wrinkling at the unpleasant smell of rot. "Did you change your dressings today?"

"What do you think, sweetheart?"

"Of course not because you're drunk." She says icily. "Just like any other day. Since I'm here I may as well change it and when was the last time you cleaned this place?"

"I can't give you an exact date, but not recently."

"I did notice." She retorts and goes in search of some supplies, leaving Haymitch to refill his glass.

She wanders into the very dusty and disused kitchen, shaking her head at the empty cupboards when she peers into them and returns to the sitting room with a bowl of hot water and the various dressings and gauze for his ulcerated and abscess covered leg. She kneels down in front of him and soaks some cloth in the hot water, not looking at Haymitch's questioning gaze and starts peeling off the saturated bandages.

"You don't have to stare at me." 

"Just making sure yours doing a good job, sweetheart." He answers. "So, why don't you start telling me why you're here and not at home."

Katniss doesn't answer as she starts washing the wound, wiping the dirt and grime away from the open wound and doing the best to stop his limb from becoming infected and she is deeply surprised to find that it already isn't.

"Are you going to tell me or am I going to have to get you drunk to tell me?" He says suddenly and finishes the contents of his glass, a smug but serious look in his eye. "Well?"

"Peeta and I....we had a fight. Again."

"What about this time?" He probes and fills his glass again, trying not to wince as she peels the dead skin away and smothers on some ointment.

"What we usually argue about."

"Well, pretend I don't know what you two usually argue about." He says and takes a long sip of his drink. "It's me you're talking to and I know you're hiding something, but you trusted me once and I might be able to help."

"I don't think you can."

Haymitch leans forward a little, his glazed blue eyes meeting hers and his voice is rusty with booze.

"Try me."

She sits back a little and stares into the fire, remembering everything Peeta had said to her when she returned from her walk and felt so deeply hurt by his question, an accusation of what she was up to when she wasn't at home made her feel even more on edge.

"Peeta asked me if...if...there was someone else." She says eventually, avoiding her former mentor's eyes.

"And is there someone else?"

"Of course there isn't. I love Peeta." She replies.

"So, what would make him think otherwise, sweetheart?"

"I don't know." She admits quietly and continues. "I've been going walks out in the forest, to get some air and to clear my head. Make sense of things."

Haymitch's lips are parted slightly in wonder as he reaches for his glass again and takes a generous sip, swallowing and feeling the slight burn in his throat and into his stomach.

"What things?"

"I've been....having nightmares." She retorts simply, closing down her emotional side. 

"Hell, we all have the nightmares, sweetheart."

"Bad ones." Katniss answers and sighs, wrapping up his leg from ankle to knee tightly. "They're getting worse and Peeta.....he doesn't....it's like what happened hasn't affected him. It's like.....he's recovered."

The much older man runs his fingers through his greasy locks and sits forward, his lips thin with furrowed eyebrows. She looks up at him for guidance, for reassurance.

"Let me tell you something." He begins, licking his alcohol stained lips. "I know for a fact that there isn't anyone else, but Peeta is putting two and two together and coming up with a hundred. I think he's just scared you're going to pick up and walk out of here, onto something bigger and better."

"But this is my home. I would never do that to him."

"But he has doubts." He reminds her, swirling the liquid in the glass and looks at her, panic registering in her eyes.

"What....what has he said?"

"Put it this way, sweetheart." He explains. "He was never your first choice and he knows that. Now, I think you should go on home and tell him how much you love him, extinguish those doubts."

 

Katniss feels her legs starting to ache, that familiar burn of her overworked muscles as she walks through the darkened streets of her home, soaking wet from the rain. She had left Haymitch passed out in his armchair and ventured outside, not wanting to return home anytime soon to face Peeta. Her old mentor had given her food for thought, making her realise that she had been selfish to expect so much from her husband and for him just to accept that he was her second choice, not her first.  
Eventually, she returns home and hangs up her soaking wet jacket and quietly treads past the sitting room and stops when she sees Peeta asleep. She gently wakes him by shaking her shoulder and the chill in the room from the dead fire makes her shiver.

"What time is it?" Peeta asks, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"After midnight."

"Oh, I didn't think it was so late." He explains, yawning. "Are you just back?"

"Mhm. I went over to see Haymitch."

"Sounds fun." He says quietly. "How drunk was he?"

"He wasn't too bad, but after I changed his dressings he just drank more, almost an entire bottle."

"Sounds normal for him." He answers and stretches. "I better get to bed, got a long day tomorrow."

She nods silently and watches him as he gets up from the armchair stiffly, rubbing his sore neck. It isn't until he's in the doorway that she gets up the courage to bring up what she needs to say.

"Peeta, we need to talk."

"Can't it wait until morning?" He complains.

"I really need to speak to you now."

He huffs and folds his arms across his chest stubbornly, unamused about being held back from going upstairs and getting some much needed sleep.  
Katniss tries to form what she is going to say in her head before she says it, squashing the chance of it all coming out wrong.

"Peeta, I need you to know that I love you."

"I know." He shrugs with impatience.

"No, I mean it. I really do love you and when you asked me if there was anyone else, it hurt that you could think that."

"What was I supposed to think when you spend more time out there than here." He reminds her. "You're a wife and a mother and you haven't been doing either. You would think the same if I was the one disappearing all the time."

"I'm sorry. I've had a lot of my mind."

"Like what?" He asks, almost snapping.

"About what we went through. Every time I have a nightmare, they seem more real and more terrifying. People we care about are trying to kill us."

"You aren't the only one who has them, Katniss." Peeta says quietly. "I still get them too and they scare me, but I remember that they're not real, none of it is real anymore because I have this. I have a family who needs me and they don't need someone who is going to end up insane."

She listens to him, feeling guilty because she thought she was the only one who thought she was reliving the nightmare of the games, reliving it like it was happening all over again and again and again. She watches him as he unfolds his arms, defeat in his eyes as he looks at her.

"You aren't going through it alone, Katniss. Haymitch still has the dreams and so does anyone who ever has been a tribute."

"And look at Haymitch now." She replies, her voice steady and loathing that he can block it out at a cost. "I don't want to live like that, to remember or to be drunk. I just want it to stop."

"It never will. You never will forget what happened, what you had to do to survive, but you can make sure it never happens again."

"How?" She asks and she isn't sure if she is ready to hear his answer.

"By living. We are showing everyone that we survived by living."

"I wouldn't exactly call drinking yourself stupid living." She retorts sarcastically.

"But Haymitch lived and he helped us. He was our mentor and that counts for something, even though he was drunk he survived by making sure we lived."

She sits down on the edge of the sofa and she doesn't want to admit that her husband is absolutely, undeniably right about all of it. Suddenly she feels so selfish for pushing him away, for not telling him about the dream with Gale and she still can't bring that topic up for conversation, remembering what her old mentor had said. Peeta moves and sits next to her, taking her hand in his and kissing the back of it.

"We owe it to us and to everyone who didn't make it, to live." He says gently, his tone kind and caring like they hadn't been arguing, like how he used to be. "Katniss?"

"You're right....I've been such an idiot...."

"No." He stops her. "You're not. We all need our own time to think and be by ourselves."

"And where do you go?"

"I bake." He answers simply. "I spend time with the children and it makes me grateful to open my eyes every day and see them. They are my medicine, Katniss. They make me live."

The couple spend the next few hours talking quietly together, huddled underneath a blanket before they decide to go upstairs to bed and to try and get some sleep before the children wake up. It had been an exhausting conversation where they had admitted their fears and worries, expressing feelings of guilt for those they couldn't save or help during the days before and during the rebellion. It seemed that even freedom came at a cost and both of them had paid as much as they could unwillingly, even years on wishing they could have done more.

 

**

"Mama, what's that?" A curious Penny asks as she peers over the edge of the table at the bowl Katniss is using to hold an old recipe.

"It's salve."

Penny crunches her nose up at the smell of the green gunk and giggles with her mother who picks her up, sitting her on the table. The child's curiosity knows no bounds and it reminds Katniss of herself, eager to learn and experience new things and of course it got her into a fair bit of trouble again she was a child.

"What's it for?"

"It's for sore hands." The mother explains, smiling. "You put this on when you have sore hands and it makes it all better."

"Whose it for, mama?"

"It's for an old friend." Katniss answers and adds some more mushed up plant to the bowl and adds a little sugar.

"Will it make your friend's hands better?"

"Yes, it will and your grandma used to make this all the time for her." Katniss says softly, shaking the thought of her mother out of her head.

"I miss Grandma. I haven't saw her since I was little. Is she coming back?"

Katniss pauses and smiles down at her daughter lovingly, wishing she had the same innocence at that age and never had to face what she had to when she got older.

"I don't know. We'll see, okay?"

"Grandma always smelled funny." The child giggles.

"That was because she was always helping people who couldn't look after themselves."

"Like how you're helping your friend?" Penny asks inquisitively.

"Just like that. How about you go watch some cartoons and I'll be there in a second?"

"Okay!" The small child squeals happily and runs off into the sitting room and the blare of the TV travels through the ground floor of the house.

 

After making the salve and putting it into a glass jar, Katniss and Penny watch some TV until Peeta gets home and then it's time for dinner and for the children to be bathed and put to bed. Katniss emerges from the bathroom soaking wet with a yawning Ramsey in her arms, wrapped in a towel and she can't help but kiss his head as he plays with her hair. She sometimes still can't believe that she created something so perfect, that she was capable of love after everything that had been taken from her and she had started to hate the world and everything in it, mostly herself. Like every other night, Penny is told a bedtime story and is tucked in tight with a much happier version of the past in her head, allowing the innocence to remain for as long as possible.

***

The streets are slippery with rain and a thin mist forms, stinging her skin and making her shiver as she wishes she had worn a heavier coat. Katniss carries the jar of salve with care and knocks lightly on the little shack like house that is Hawthorne's home since returning after the rebellion.

Hazelle opens the door and stiffly leads her guest inside and Katniss is quiet at the state of the small home, concerned suddenly as the older woman moves a stack of newspapers from the small sofa that is burst and sagging with over use.

"I wasn't expecting you or I would have tidied up."

"It's fine." Katniss lies straight to her face. "I just came over to bring you the salve. How are your hands?"

"They're not too bad and I'm sorry you went to all the trouble, thank you."

"It's no trouble and I actually enjoyed making it." The young woman confesses. "I didn't realise how much I missed it."

Hazelle notices the sadness in Katniss and her heart goes out to the child, never thinking of her as a young woman in her own right, but always the child who she loved like her own daughter.

"Have you heard from her?" The older woman asks curiously.

"From who?"

"Your mother." Hazelle says. 

"Oh, yes. I spoke to her earlier."

"I know you aren't being truthful with me, Katniss." The experienced mother replies kindly, sympathetically. "I know it can't be easy having her so far away. It isn't easy to adjust."

"It's not that."

Katniss stops herself and sighs softly, avoiding Gazelle's inquisitive and compassionate gaze.

"I look at Penny and she relies on me and I think I keep wondering why I never could rely on my own mother." She says finally. "Mother never was with us when she was and now she is in another district and I miss her."

"Why don't you go see her and take the children?"

"Because...." Katniss begins, sadness filling her eyes. "Because she blames me for everything that happened. For what happened to Prim."

A silence falls between them as the rain grows heavier outside and the wind starts to howl. Neither of them say anything, but Hazelle studies the young woman in front of her who is looking down into her lap.

"Katniss, you have to accept that what happened to Prim wasn't your fault. You can't keep blaming yourself for it and it wasn't in your control."

"My mother does." Katniss answers sharply. "She blames me for killing Prim."

"She was grieving. Grief does horrible things to people and remember how she was when your father died."

"She stopped caring and shut off." She answers as she looks up at Hazelle. "I became the parent, the provider for our family. Prim would have starved if I hadn't and mother would still be sitting at the table. She only ever came to life when someone was sick."

"And you should be proud of yourself. Not many people can say they've done so much to help other people, even risking their own life."

"I couldn't let her go into the games, Hazelle. I just couldn't sit and watch what happened." Katniss stifles."It would have destroyed her."

Hazelle slowly rises from her chair and goes into the kitchen, making tea and buttering bread and forcing the young girl to eat it and keep up her strength. For the first time in years, Katniss had opened up to someone about her guilt and emotions instead of blocking them out like she usually did, just like every other time she thought about it all.

"Your mother loves you, Katniss." Hazelle says gently as she pours more tea into their cups.

"It doesn't feel like it. It's never felt like it. She was always so....wrapped up, stuck in her misery that she stopped caring about us. I needed her and she still left. She didn't even try. I was the one who kept everything together."

"Have you talked to your mother about this, Katniss?" The older woman asks, concerned. 

"I tried and she never listened. She didn't want to listen and after Prim....she turned into someone else, cut me off."

"Grief can do that." Hazelle answers sadly. "It makes people do crazy things. You have to understand that when your father died, a part of your mother went with him and no one can recover from that."

"Weren't we enough to live for? Prim and I, we became closer as mother drifted further away and we couldn't stop it. She wouldn't stop it. Didn't she realise we needed her more?"

"I wish I could answer that." Hazelle says gently, her hand going to Katniss's and squeezing gently. "But there's only one person who can answer that and that's your mother."

***

"You've been gone a while." Peeta says as he hands his wife a cup of tea, a small gesture of comfort. "Is Hazelle okay?"

"Oh, she's fine and I didn't mean to be this long. We had a talk about some things and she helped me put it into perspective."

"Is everything okay, Katniss?" He asks, concerned.

"Yes, but I need to talk to you about something. Something important."

"Go on." He answers. 

"I want to go and see my mother. I need to go and see my mother."

"I don't understand." He says in confusion.

"I have a lot I need to ask her, like why she absconded me and Prim after father's death and how she's abandoned me."

"Are you sure it's a good idea?" Peeta asks gently,thoughtfully. "I mean, I know you need to talk to her, but I don't want you upsetting yourself."

"I know and I appreciate your worry, but I have to do this."

He nods in understanding and sighs, looking up at his beautiful young wife.

"Then that's what we'll do." He says with a smile. "We'll go visit your mother for a few days.  
"I don't think that it will take a few days to say what I need to say."

"At least the children will get to see her." He answers, knowing fully that the reasons behind Katniss's visit can't be good or end well.


	5. Hardest Move To Make

The train passes through farmland, forestry and barren land like lightning, everything passing by in the blink of an eye as commuters chat to one another, others sleeping through the journey and children screaming and laughing. The lunch cart at the ene or the train is bustling with hungry passengers, most of them overfilling their plates and taking seats at the freshly laid tables, gorging themselves on the dishes of meat and fish and sweet treats.  
The air is humid and Katniss is already nervous in the carriage, trying to distract herself with the children who are drawing at the small table that slides in and out of the wall at the push of a button. Penny and Ramsey are excited to be on the train, happy to be going somewhere different. Penny is excited about the adventure she is going on and excited about seeing her grandma. The six year old and chatting happily and telling her little brother or all the adventures they are going to have, all the treats and snacks they are going to eat, provided by the grandma who spoils them.

Katniss sighs and gazes out the window, trying to focus on something that comes into view and is suddenly gone. She hopes that the fairytales and stories of grandmothers who spoil their grandchildren hasn't gotten Penny's hopes up too much, because sue knows exactly what her mother is like and she dreads to have to see her children feeling let down by someone they look up to. She couldn't allow her children to feel how she felt growing up, playing second best.

"Are we there yet?" Penny asks impatiently, whining.

"Not yet, but we will be soon." Katniss tells her daughter.

"But we've been on the train for hours and I'm bored." The child answers huffing.

"It's not been that long." Peeta adds as he brushes his daughter's hair out of her eyes.

"It has, daddy." Penn replies. "It's been sooo long."

"Why don't we to along to the dining carriage and see if we can get you and Ramsey something nice." Peeta suggests.

"Okay, daddy." Penny answers happily."And we have to get something for mommy and Ramsey."

"We will." Peeta tells her as he takes her hand and leads her out of the booth and down the corridor.

Katniss watches her young son as he scribbles over the paper and she is glad that her children don't have to go through the same experiences she had to, to go through the Reaping and the panic and fear that set in every year. Her children wouldn't know what it's like to starve or be unclean or to feel unloved or unwanted. They would only have to face homework and school, tests on their education and their lives as they developed into teenagers and then adults. So much had changed since the revolution for the better and even Katniss couldn't dispute that. She had saved her own children and so many others from the fate she had suffered.

 

The station platform is busy as the train servicemen offload suitcases and bags, passengers mingling with the crowd who had been waiting for the train to pull in. Many of the passengers are warmly embracing each other while others pick up their belongings and make their way through the crowd, trying to find the exit through the refurbished station. Katniss and Peeta can't believe how different everything looks in white stone that isn't chipped or cracked, the steps neatly swept and it makes such a difference not to have armed guards everywhere. The last time they had gone through the district was when they were returning to district twelve and even then the train station was nothing compared to how it is now.

Penny impatiently pulls on her mother's hand as Katniss stops to look around, remembering what everything looked like and how it had changed, Peeta doing the same as he holds onto his sun and wheels their family sized suitcase behind them.

"I can't believe how much everything has changed." Katniss whispers to Peeta.

"Me either. It's like a whole new district with a whole new look."

"It's just so different." She answers, looking around in amazement. "I can't believe it."

"One of the guards on the train said they built a memorial, for everyone they lost during the revolution, before and after."

"I'm pleased they did. Too many people have died because of what Snow did." She says with growing bitterness. "They should always be remembered, Peeta. They should never be forgotten."

 

They carry on with their journey and find themselves borrowing one of the visitors accommodation's since it would be out of the question to stay with Katniss's mother, especially since she wasn't aware of their visit and hadn't spoken to her daughter for months. The apartment is nice, spacious without being too big with hardwood floors and soft furnishings, two bedrooms and a sitting room that looked out over the concrete city that had been rebuilt after the carnage.

 

After a light dinner, the children are put to bed while Katniss and Peeta sit in an awkward silence that has fallen over them since the children left the room. Neither knows what to say to the other and the silence feels inescapable. It is uncomfortable to be in and neither of the couple really want to be like this, but neither of them will break the silence.

"Nervous?" Peeta finally asks gently with his eyes on his wife.

"A little."

"What are you nervous about?" He asks again and waits patiently for an answer.

"Everything. Just everything and how we haven't spoken for so long. I wouldn't be surprised if she slammed the door in my face." 

"She wouldn't do that." He says in reassurance.

"Wouldn't she?"

Katniss turns to her husband and shakes her head, sighing as the panic and emotion of the reality and past seeps into her mind, like a rag soaking up thick syrup. She can't help but wonder if her mother would embrace her with open arms or indeed slam the door in her face, and she worries what her reaction is going to be, whatever happens. Again the silence grows between them, uncomfortable and smothering like a damp towel over a fire. 

"I wish I could make it all alright." Peeta says finally, watching her reaction. "I wish I could fix all of it."

"It would take a miracle, Peeta and they don't happen."

"They might." He suggests. "You just never know what's going to happen."

"Yes, I do. I do know what's going to happen."

****

 

Gracia Everdeen had become a workaholic, living and breathing her role as a nurse at the hospital twenty hours out of twenty-four hoursevery day. Often there was no point in her leaving for a few short hours and she would seek a little peace and quiet in the on call suite, ready to jump into action if she was needed. Her colleagues called her crazy behind her back but even they couldn't deny she was one hell of a nurse and wasn't afraid to muck in where it was required. Gracia had lost everything and turned her grief into something positive, using everything she already knew alongside modern medicine and the feeling of being able to nurse someone back to health was satisfying, like winning the most amount of money anyone could dream of. But Gracia Everdeen was lonely. She was lonely when she was at home by herself and when she was forced to take holidays and days off she tried to do something that stopped her being alone, even if it was spending hours in a room full of people she didn't know, going to random meetings at the community hall and the like, doing everything possible to avoid being by herself.  
Gracia simply struggled to be by herself and her unhappiness shower to everyone around, her colleagues mostly who watched her spend hour after hour looking after the sick and they all knew she was making herself sick.

***

The little stone building is one of many in the recently built cottage style houses, each house having two bedrooms, a bathroom and a modest sized kitchen. One building stands out amongst the others, the drapes closed in the windows and the garden over run with waist high weeds and grass. Katniss knows instantly that this is her mother's house without having to check the door number and sighs, working up the courage to walk up the pathway and knock on the door. All night she had thought of this moment and now that she is here, she dreads it, fears it and the reaction to her unannounced arrival. A small comfort warms the chill that has draped over her and she feels a little better that Peeta and the children are close by, playing in a park nearby and she smiles at the way Penny had grinned from ear to ear with excitement at seeing different frames to climb on and bigger chutes than the park in district twelve.

Katniss Everdeen, the girl who was on fire and contributed to a rebellion, had fought and killed to protect the people she loved is terrified as she hesitantly strolls up the pathway, feeling the brass knocker on the front door beneath her fingertips, exhaling and then holding her breath as the brass thumps against the wood.

 

Sighing, Gracia stifles a deep yawn as she rises from the chair by the fireplace. She is exhausted from spending the entire night trying to help a patient who refused to take any medicine or to eat, just wanting to die and she knows how it feels to want that. Despair had tugged at her the entire night and it was only when the Matron sent her home on official leave for a few days did Gracia realise how exhausting her lifestyle really was. She shuffles to the door, in no desire to get there because she knows it will be some salesman or someone looking to hear her story, mother of a tribute and rebel fighter. She opens the door slowly and her mouth falls open as she stumbles in shock over her words.

"Katniss?"


	6. Circles Again

"I don't want to see you!" Gracia yells and slams the door, but is left trying to force it closed with a foot in the way. "I don't want to see you or talk to you. Go away and leave me alone!"

"I can't do that. I've come all this way to talk and I won't talk through a closed door. Either you let me in or I'll yell and everyone can hear us."

This changes Garcia's mind and she already imagines her neighbours peering out through blinds and whispering. She had been the subject of gossip for too long and had buried herself in her own world where no one could get to her. She had cut herself off from everyone because they always asked too many questions and sparked too many painful memories. She wanted to simply forget, but no one would allow her to do so. Katniss steps inside the house and is surprised to find everything so plain and empty, just a shell with no personality. It fits her mother perfectly and she isn't afraid to admit it.

"You've come all this way to talk, so talk."

"I came to make amends." Katniss says as she studies the bare room. "We haven't talked in a long time and it's time we put the past behind us and moved on. It's what Prim would have wanted."

"Don't you dare tell me what Prim would have wanted. She was my daughter!"

"And so am I!" The younger woman bites back. "Or have you forgotten that?"

"You're no daughter of mine. I'm ashamed to call you my daughter and it's because of you that Prim is dead."

"Prim's death was an accident! Don't you think I would have stopped her if I knew she was going to get involved?" Katniss yells back, angry and hurt. "I would never have let her out of my sight if I knew."

"Everything that's happened is your fault! Prim would never have died if you had just...."

"Just what?" She asks bitterly. "If I had just allowed someone to kill me in the Hunger Games?"

"It would have been better for everyone if that had happened. Right from the start you had to show the world just how rebellious you were by volunteering to take Prim's place and look at the trouble it caused."

"I was protecting her!" Katniss hisses, disgust forming like a black mass her belly. "Which is more than you did."

"Don't you speak to me like that!"

"Ever since dad died you changed." She finally snaps in anger and speaks whether Gracia wants to hear it or not.

"I was grieving!"

"And we weren't allowed to!" She snaps again. "I had to look after Prim, I had to look after the house. I had to find food and cook and sew and clean. I had to be there to wipe Prim's tears when she had nightmares and I had to take care of you like you were a child. You stopped caring. You stopped living when dad died and I had to pick up the pieces because you wouldn't. It makes me sick to think about how I worried about this day and what I would say to you, but I don't know why I cared. You aren't the only one that hurts for dad and for Prim, I do too. If I could change one thing it would be what happened to Prim, I would have died for her."

"I wish you had done and save me all the heartache."

Katniss doesn't know what to say and she doesn't know how she can get through to this woman who had once nursed her when she was sick or sang to her when she had nightmares. Katniss doesn't recognise her own mother and hadn't done in such a long time, but pushed and pushed Gracia to get better for Prim and now she was gone and Katniss was being blamed. Katniss would always be blamed for all the tragedies in her mother's life.

"I don't even know why I tried to talk to you." Katniss agrees harshly. "I have children and a life, and I wanted you to be a part of it. But remember you aren't only turning your back on me, but you're turning your back on your grandchildren and Prim."

Katniss leaves and closes the door behind her and she thought she would feel only anger and hurt, but she feels sorry for the woman called mother. She had made her choice and would need to live with it and Katniss hoped she would never have to tell her children that their grandmother was too foolish and angry to even try for them. Gracia Everdeen had once again given up on everything she ever wanted, but was too consumed by grief and she blamed everyone else.

 

"How did it go?" Peeta asks his wife as she throws herself onto the bed, tracing her finger over the pattern on the sheets. "Katniss?"

"Terrible. First she tried to slam the door in my face and then.....she disowned me."

"She disowned you?" He can't quite believe Gracia would do a thing like that. 

"And her grandchildren, which is worse. I knew it was a mistake coming here and I let you talk me into it. I let myself talk me into it. I actually believed that things would change and we would have some kind of relationship. I though that maybe her grandchildren would be enough for her to see sense."

"She's still grieving, Katniss." He answers and instantly regrets it.

"Grieving? All she has ever done is sit and grieve. She grieved when dad died and I was the one who had to grow up and be a parent. I had to help Prim with school, find the next meal. I had to do everything because she wasn't strong enough to do it. The only time my mother ever bounced back was after the Games and it was because she had a maid. She had no responsibility."

"I think you're being a little hard on her." Peeta says without thinking.

"What's hard is having to be a sister and two parents! I had to give up my childhood so Prim could have hers and what makes it worse is that mother gave up. She didn't just give up on herself, but she gave up on us."

"She would have found it hard to deal with being a single parent, Katniss." He tries to be sensitive to how she is feeling, but it isn't working. "She lost her husband."

"And we lost our father! She wasn't the only one who lost someone she loved that day and there are plenty of people who did and still raised their families. She was selfish and I don't know why I thought it would be any different with Prim."

"Prim and your father are completely different." He argues. "Your father died in an accident and-"

"And what? Prim died because it was my fault? Don't you think I don't sit and blame myself every single day because she's gone? I don't need anyone else reminding me of what's been lost and you know how that feels."

In temper, Katniss turns and gives Peeta the cold shoulder. She doesn't want to talk about the meeting with her mother and she doesn't want to talk about her father or Prim or anything else to do with the chapter of her life that she wished she had never been a part of. She wishes that Peeta would understand why she is so bitter towards her mother and angry at herself for not protecting her sister as she had always done.

***  
The early morning is damp and miserable with a thick fog hanging over the rooftops. Most would be worried about being mugged, but Peeta dared any wouldbe attacker to even try it with the way he is feeling. He hadn't slept after the fight with Katniss and had slipped out to make things right or at least better between mother and daughter. He feels he has to try even if it means another argument or a dose of the silent treatment, if it worked then it would be worthwhile and if it didn't then he would face the consequences. Peeta knocks on the door and waits for a response, wondering if he would get one at all. Eventually it opens and Gracia holds a robe tight around her.

"If you've come here to tell me what a horrible mother and person I am, then you're too late because I already know."

"I'm not here to tell you that at all." Peeta answers. "I'm here to try and help."

"There's nothing you or anyone can do, Peeta. I understand how you feel, but there isn't anything anyone can do."

"There is." He tells her. "You can help yourself, like Katniss can help herself by making amends. She is your daughter and the only daughter you have left. Doesn't that count for something?"

"Prim died because Katniss influenced her! She ran off and-"

"And fought because she felt it was the right thing." He finishes and shakes his head. "Prim believed it in what Katniss was doing and she wanted to be part of it. Prim shouldn't have gone without telling anyone, but she knew what she wanted to do and knew her own mind."

"She was a child."

"And so was Katniss when she had to be a sister and two parents." He reminds her gently, feeling for her but had never understood her selfishness. "Katniss never had a childhood because she looked after Prim. Katniss sacrificed herself so Prim didn't have to have to go into the Games. She did everything to protect Prim and her death wasn't Katniss's fault and deep down you know it too."

"You better come inside."

Peeta follows Gracia into the depressing little cottage and takes a seat on the stiff two seater sofa. The surfaces are covered with dust and the room is musty with lack of air and he realises just how often she entertains or is actually at home. He feels saddened by her loneliness, but remembers how friends and old neighbours and new friends tried to comfort her, but she pushed them away just like she was doing to Katniss. Gracia carries a pot of over stewed tea and hands her guest a cup.

"Katniss blames herself too, you know." He says and watches his mother in law for any hint of emotion. "She blames herself for Prim dying and you blaming her too makes it worse."

"Prim should never have been allowed to be in that situation, Peeta. I heard Katniss and Prim talking about different things when they thought I was asleep, the rebellion and what was going to happen. I remember that one night Prim asked Katniss what her role would be in the rebellion and do you know what Katniss said? Katniss told Prim that her role was to help me look after the sick and wounded. Then Prim said she wanted to be known for something better and she wanted everyone to remember her. She wanted to be just like her sister, a hero. Look at what happened and Katniss didn't tell her to stay away from trouble. Prim listened to Katniss and she took that as a sign that it was okay. That is why I blame Katniss and that she destroyed everything we ever knew."

"And do you really think Prim would have listened?" He asks, leaning forward. "The Prim I knew would have done what she wanted, even if Katniss had told her not to."

"She changed after the move to district thirteen, Peeta. My little girl changed and it wasn't for the better. She got moody and distant, more grown up and working in the infirmary made her see things that no child should see."

"No one came out of it the same as before, Gracia." He admits quietly and continues. "If Prim hadn't changed then there would be something wrong, but you have to understand that if Katniss knew what Prim was going to do she would have called the whole thing off. You weren't the only one who lost someone in the bombings."

It's as if a light has switched on inside the grieving mother's head and she remembers sitting in the dinning room of district thirteen when the names of the deceased were called out. She had felt saddened that people had died, but she was thankful that her daughters were safe.  
For any parent would feel the same.

"I can't welcome Katniss back...I won't do it after everything that's happened. You're wasting your time, Peeta. I'm sorry."


End file.
